I would go down on you faster than GM stock
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
