Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
