awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She has the best kind of daddy issues
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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