Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
