I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
