Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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