My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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