somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
