Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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