Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
