If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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