GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
