i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
