I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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