literally had 100 drinks last night.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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