if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
