i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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