Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
love makes seman taste better
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
