Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
