My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
