Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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