Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
