please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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