I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
