Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
