So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
