dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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