So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
