You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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