She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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