She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I checked into jail on foursquare
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
