I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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