I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
