Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
