and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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