This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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