mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
