Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize