She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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