apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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