there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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