so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
