They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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