I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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