i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
