She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize