totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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