I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
