Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
