just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
