I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
