Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
