Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Still dying that you shit outside
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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