He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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