im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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