So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
