i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
