I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
