He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
