So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
