After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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